April 14, 2018
Xiaoxue, Malaysia
One day after dinner, I taught my eldest son how to read Chinese—just the simple words, “Heaven, earth, people, and, earth, daddy, mommy….” I taught him quite a few times, but he still couldn’t write them. He would write the first word and then forget the next one. The anger inside me rose up, and I grabbed the ruler on the table and hit him several times. I shouted loudly: “How stupid you are! You cannot even learn these few words!” My eldest son was hit until he cried, “waah, waah” and broke free and ran to stand in the corner. I scolded him, “Come over here and keep writing!” My eldest son did not come over, so I grabbed hold of him and pulled him onto the chair. Seeing that my eldest son’s hand had been beaten red and swollen by me, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. I cried and returned to my room and prayed to God: “God! As soon as my child displeased me, I could not control my anger. I don’t want to treat my children like this. God, may You help me.” After praying, I slowly calmed down.
Later, I taught him as usual, but he still did not learn. I remembered praying to God and I did not get angry again. At the same time, I also started to reflect on myself. Why could I not control my temper when my child did not please me? Whilst reflecting on this, I thought of a passage of God’s words: “Once a man has status, he will often find it difficult to control his mood, and so he will enjoy seizing upon instances to express his dissatisfaction and vent his emotions; he will often flare up into rage for no apparent reason, so as to reveal his ability and let others know that his status and identity are different from those of ordinary people. Of course, corrupt people without any status will also frequently lose control. Their anger is frequently caused by damage to their individual benefits. In order to protect their own status and dignity, corrupt mankind will frequently vent their emotions and reveal their arrogant nature” (“God Himself, the Unique II” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). “Some exercise restraint in their anger, while others are more rash and flare up with rage whenever they wish without the least bit of restraint. In short, man’s anger derives from his corrupt disposition. No matter what its purpose, it is of the flesh and of nature; it has nothing to do with justice or injustice because nothing in man’s nature and substance corresponds to the truth” (“God Himself, the Unique II” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Through what God’s words revealed, I saw that I was too deeply corrupted by Satan and too arrogant and domineering, always suppressing and forcing my children in my identity and status as their mother and as soon as they did not meet my demands and standards, I could not stop myself from getting angry and chiding and physically punishing them. I actually had no reason at all. Was the reason why I got so angry with my son not because his results from taking the school entrance test were the worst of all the children? This made me feel a loss of face in front of others. “Treating my child so strictly and disregarding his feelings today is not all for his own good or to make him quickly improve his academic performance, but to gratify my own vanity and desire for status. I’m too selfish and despicable! It is because of my arrogant, selfish corrupt disposition that I cannot obey God and always want to break free from God’s mastery and arrangements and want to arrange everything for my children based on my own ability and finally bring myself and my children so much pain.” When I thought of this, I hated myself and no longer wished to live by Satan’s corrupt disposition and be fooled by Satan. So I prayed to God and asked God to keep my heart, to guide me through His words, and to arrange even more environments to change and cleanse me. Subsequently, I no longer demanded too much of my son. Instead, I patiently taught him and did my best to be a mother. Slowly, I no longer worried because my children did not learn, and felt especially relaxed and happy. When I looked at my two children again, I realized that they were really cute and lively, and I realized then how unfair it was for my children when I always made them live my way and grow into the standard image in my mind.
